Runescape and the Holy Grail
by Lord Slayer
Summary: What would it be like if the classic British comedy film Monty Python and the Holy Grail took place in the land of Gielnor? Read to find out! Chapter 14 is up! Please review!
1. Chapter 1: Coconuts

**Author's Note: **As a big fan of both Runescape and Monty Python, it was inevitable that I would start to wonder what it would be like if "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" (best movie EVER!) took place in Runescape. This was originally written before the removal of the old Wilderness and while the macros were still running rampant, but it seems to work fairly well in the current environment. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Runescape or Monty Python. *sobs*

**Cast:**

King Arthur- King Arthur

Sir Bedivere- Sir Bedivere

Sir Lancelot- Sir Lancelot

Sir Galahad- Sir Galahad

Sir Robin- White Knight Squire

Narrator- Various NPCs

Patsy and the Other Knights' Servants- Wilderness Cape Salesmen

Guards- Guards

"Bring Out Your Dead!" Guy- Mourner

Regular People- Regular Men and Women NPCs

"Not Dead" Fred- King Lathas

Dennis- Fred the Farmer

Black Knight- A PKer in black armor

Witch Who Is Not a Witch- Hetty the Witch

Saradomin- Saradomin

French Taunters- Men with steel medium helms, black studded leather armor, and handlebar mustaches

Famous Historian- Haig Halen (Varrock Museum Curator)

Minstrels- NPCs with instruments and green jester outfits

3-Headed Giant- Black Knight Titan from Holy Grail quest with three heads

Old Man- Wise Old Man

Head Knight Who Says Ni- Tall guy with Warrior Helm, full jungle hunter outfit and eagle cape.

Knights Who Say Ni- Guys in jungle hunter outfit and Fremennik Helms

King of Swamp Castle- Baraek, the Varrock Fur seller

Old Crone- Sin Seer

Roger (Ali in story) the Shrubber- Ali Morrisane

Prince Herbert- Evil Dave

Tim the Enchanter- Fire Wizard

Father Maynard- Father Lawrence

Killer Rabbit- A very large, white, evil bunny.

Black Beast of Arrgh! - Comical, cartoony-looking King Black Dragon

Surprise Guest Star: The Sandwich Lady

**Chapter 1: Coconuts**

It was a foggy spring morning in the small town of Lumbridge. A day just like any other day. Or so it was believed. In truth, this day would begin an epic adventure of untold comic proportions!

Out of the fog came two men. One seemed to be a wealthy knight or lord in beautifully made plate armor. The other was a man in worn clothes with an over-filled sack on his back. Down along the forest path they "rode," the noble galloping along with his body positioned as if he was riding upon a white charger. His companion followed at a fast clip banging together two halves of empty coconut shells to simulate the sound of galloping hooves. Their destination was Lumbridge Castle.

As they made their way towards the castle's high western wall, the noble man accidentally ran into a tree macroer and knocked the bot over. The nobleman carried on oblivious; while the man with the coconuts paused to kick the cheater in the ribs.

Just as they reached the base of the castle wall, a thick-accented voice called out from the ramparts.

"Halt!" called the guard, "Who goes there?"

"It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon from the court of Camelot," replied the noble, "Defeater of the Saxons! Sovereign of all England!"

"Who's the other one?" questioned the guard.

"This is my trusty servant Patsy," the king replied. "We have ridden since the snows of winter, searching for brave knights who will join me at my court of Camelot! Through the Fremmenik Province, through..."

"What? Riding? As in on a horse?" asked the confused guard.

"Yes."

"No you're not. You're using coconuts!"

"What?"

"Horses don't even exist in Runescape you clod!" the guard declared. "You've got two empty halves of coconuts, and you're bangin' em together!"

"So? Anyway, go and tell your master, Duke Horacio of Lumbridge, if he would wish to join my court at Camelot. That is my business here, I-"

"Where'd you get the coconuts?" the guard demanded.

King Arthur paused for a moment to think, and then replied simply, "We found them."

"Found them? In Relleka!?" the incredulous guard replied in disbelief, "But the coconut is tropical!"

"What do you mean?" asked Arthur in puzzlement.

"Well this is a TEMPERATE ZONE!"

"The swallow may fly south for the winter to seek warmer climes, yet are these not strangers to our land?"

The guard paused for a moment to consider this, and then replied in a suspicious (of Arthur) manner, "Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?"

"Not at all!" Arthur exclaimed, alarmed by the absurdity of the idea. "It can be carried."

"What!? A swallow carryin' a coconut!?"

"It could grip it by the husk!"

"It's not a matter of where he grips it," the guard answered as if explaining an obvious fact to a five year old, "It's a simple matter of weight ratios! A 5 ounce bird, can NOT carry a one pound coconut, am I right?"

"Please!" Arthur declared, now extremely weary of this odd conversation, "Will you go and ask Duke Horacio if he wants to join my court at Camelot?"

Unfortunately, the guard had no interest in ending it.

"Look, in order to maintain air speed velocity, a swallow must flap its wings 43 times, every second," he said, "Am I right?"

"PLEASE!" Arthur half begged.

"Am I right?" the guard pressed.

"I'm not interested!"

To the dimensionally displaced king's horror, a second guard appeared and carried on the conversation.

"It could be carried by a Karamjan swallow!" the second guard said.

"Well yeah, a Karamjan swallow maybe," the first guard conceded. "But not a Misthalin swallow. That's what I was talking about."

"Oh, yeah."

Arthur rolled his eyes in an irritated manner and said, "Come Patsy, we'll go around."

"Yes, sire," the servant replied.

And so Arthur and Patsy turned about and began to ride around the castle to the east gate. Along the way, Arthur draws his legendary sword, Excalibur, from its sheath and deftly cuts off the head of the macro that he had knocked over earlier in order to vent his frustrations.

Meanwhile, the two guards continued on their conversation of swallows and coconuts, completely oblivious to the fact that the men with the strange ideas of migrating coconuts had already left.

"But wait, the Karamjan swallow is non-migratory, isn't it?"

"Oh, yeah. Well, what if two swallows carried it together?"

"No, no; they'd have to have it on some sort of line."

"Well why not?"

Numerous reports against these two guards from earlier incidents led to their sacking the next morning.

**To Be Continued...**


	2. Chapter 2: Plague City

**Chapter 2: Plague City**

Meanwhile, far to the west, there was a city that was once grand and prosperous. It was a city that had once been one of the three mightiest cities in the known world. It was the city of Ardougne. But when the last king died, however, his two sons split the city in two, creating East Ardougne and West Ardougne. Years later, the brother who ruled West Ardougne, King Tyras, went out on a crusade against the elves of Priffdinas. Thru ought the campaign, Tyras only ever returned once, then went back to fight. But that one visit had been enough. A mysterious disease was left behind as Tyras and his men returned to war, a disease which soon transformed into a raging plague which ravaged all of West Ardougne. In a bid to stop this plague from spreading, King Lathas, brother of Tyras, erected a wall to separate the western half of the city from the rest of the world. Everyday since, the groans of the sick and dying could be heard from miles away.

The only ones who could help the people of West Ardougne were the mourners, mysterious men in bio-hazard suits sent by King Lathas. There's was the duty to bury the dead and give comfort to the living. This is the story of one of those mourners...

A man dressed in a brown bio-hazard suit and carrying a staff and a large cowbell made his way through the muddy, crumbling streets of the once-proud western sector of Ardougne. Following him was another mourner, carrying a heavy cart filled with corpses.

"Bring out your dead!" the mourner shouted as he walked down the street, banging the cow bell with his staff with each repetition of the phrase. "Bring out your dead!"

A small group of weeping people carrying the bodies of a newly deceased loved one approached and deposit the body onto the cart then paid the mourners a small fee for his service. The mourners carried on.

"Bring out your dead!" the mourner continued to cry out with another bang of his bell. "Bring out your dead!"

Another man approached with a corpse slung over his back. However, there was something odd about this new piece of baggage.

First off, the man was dressed in fine clothes, much finer than what anyone in West Ardougne had anymore. Secondly, the corpse bore a remarkable resemblance to King Lathas himself. Thirdly, the body had a crown on its head. Finally, the body appeared to still be breathing.

"Here you go Bob, nine gold," the man with the body said as he approached the lead mourner, nine gold coins glittering in the palm of his outstretched hand.

"I'm not dead!" the body slung over the man's back suddenly croaked.

"What?" the mourner asked in surprise.

"Oh, nothing," the man replied evasively, "Here's your nine gold."

"I'm not dead!" the body said again.

"Hey there! He's not dead!" the mourner exclaimed.

"Oh, he will be," the man assured, "He's very old."

I'm King Lathas!" the body declared, "Let me go! I'm fine!"

"No you aren't, you'll be stone dead in a moment," the man replied.

"I can't take him," the mourner said with a shake of his head.

"Oh, come on; do us all a favor," the man insisted.

"It's against regulations," the mourner answered somewhat sadly.

"I think I'll go for a walk!" King Lathas whined pitifully.

"You're not foolin' anyone, you know," the man snapped.

"I can't take him," the mourner repeated.

"Oh, just wait a few moments," the man pressed, "He won't take long."

"No, I can't," the mourner answered sadly, "I've got to get to the Robinsons. They lost nine this morning."

"When's your next round?" the man questioned.

"Thursday."

"I feel at ease!" Lathas began to moan incessantly, "I feel at ease! I feel at ease! I feel at ease...."

After about half a minute of this, the mourner and the man looked around to make sure that nobody was watching. Once they were sure that it was safe, the mourner proceeded to smack Lathas over the head until the unfortunate king's neck was snapped.

"Thank you very much," the man said as he dumped his load onto the cart, then paid the mourner.

At that moment, King Arthur and Patsy suddenly "rode" past!

"All we had to do was go around the castle, sir!" Patsy said, "How did we get so lost?"

"Oh, shut up!" Arthur snapped. "This is all your fault anyway. After all, you're the one who somehow managed to get the Sandwich Lady mad at the both of us!"

"It's not my fault that she's so sensitive," Patsy muttered as the pair rode on out of ear-shot.

"Who was that?" the man asked.

"I dunno..." the mourner thought for a moment, then said, "Must be a king."

"How do you know that?"

"He doesn't got poo all over him."

**To Be Continued...**


	3. Chapter 3: Constitutional Peasants

**Runescape and the Holy Grail**

**Chapter 3: Constitutional Peasants**

Sometime later, King Arthur and his faithful servant Patsy managed to escape the horrible, pestilent hole that is West Ardougne, and return to Lumbridge. They then continued on with their quest to find members for the Knights of the Round Table.

As the pair rode westward, they came upon a crossroads, where Patsy was attacked by a vile highwayman.

"Stand and deliver!" the highwayman called, mere moments before King Arthur's blade cut him in two.

With the danger now dispatched, master and servant paused to take in their surroundings. To the west the path continued on into more farmland, and to the Kingdom of Asgarnia. To the south was the small, gloomy-looking village of Draynor. And to the north was a dank, foreboding wood at the end of which could be seen a great, dilapidated mansion.

Arthur felt that the mansion would be a good place to start, for after all, who else could afford to own such a place but a wealthy lord? First, however, he would need some information from one of the locals.

Turning to the south, Arthur and Patsy rode on a short way until they came upon a dirty-looking figure laboring about in wheat field that grew right next to the village.

"I say there! Old woman!" King Arthur called out to the figure, who seemed to be collecting mud rather than wheat. How odd.

"Man!" the figure retorted, turning about and revealing that he was indeed a man!

"Oh, er, sorry," a now rather embarrassed Arthur apologized, "But from behind you looked rather, er....Who lives in that mansion up north?"

"I'm thirty-seven!" the still-indignant man declared.

"What?"

"I'm thirty-seven! I'm not old!"

"Well I can't just call you 'man.'"

"Well you could try calling me Denis!"

"I didn't know that you were called Dennis," Arthur reasoned, "And I did apologize about the old woman thing."

"Well I object to being treated like an inferior!"

"Well I am a king!"

"Oh, king, eh?" Dennis said sarcastically, "Very nice."

"And how did you get that, eh?" the disgruntled peasant continued, "By exploitin' the workers! By hangin' on to outdated imperialistic dogma that perpetuates..."

At that moment, Dennis' rant was interrupted as an old woman dressed as shabbily as he (and who also had rather disturbingly masculine appearance) crawled up the field and, in a screechy voice, said, "Oh, Dennis, there's lovely filth up here!"

Then the old noticed the well-dressed strangers and said humbly, "How'd you do?"

"How do you do, good madam?" Arthur returned the greeting pleasantly, grateful that he was now talking to someone who wasn't so easily offended, "I am Arthur, King of the Britain's. Now tell me, who lives in that mansion up there?"

"King o' the who?" the woman asked in a puzzled tone.

"The Britains."

"Who're the Britains?"

"Well I'm British, Patsy's British, and um, well the Jagex Council's British. And since they created Runescape, then I guess that means that we are all British! I never really thought of it that way before... But then again, you are first and foremost Misthalanian, and Roald's your king. Hmmm..."

"I didn't know we had a king," the confused old woman stated, "I thought we were an autonomous collective."

"You're foolin' yerself!" Dennis laughed, "We're livin' in a dictatorship! in which the working classes..."

"Oh, there you go! Bringin' class into it again!" the old woman groaned as she continued to fill her basket with mud.

"Well that's what it's all about!" Dennis argued.

"Please good people!" Arthur interrupted impatiently, "I am in haste. Who lives in that mansion up there?"

"Well no one lives there," the old woman confessed. Then on a second-thought she continued, "Except the Count, and the ghosts; but they're undead. And the mad scientists, but they pay rent, so I guess they don't really count..."

"Then who is your lord!?" Arthur exclaimed.

"We have a lord!" the old woman replied, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"What!?" Arthur replied, shocked.

"Like we was sayin'" Dennis answered arrogantly, "We're an anarcose syndicous commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of weekly executive..."

"Yes, I see," Arthur nodded impatiently.

"...But all decisions of said executive must be ratified by a council at our bi-weekly meetings..."

"Yes, now be quiet!"

"...And then by a two-thirds majority..."

"Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!"

"Order, eh?" the old woman replied indignantly while speaking to Dennis, "Who does he think he is?"

"I am king!"

"Well I didn't vote for ya!"

"You don't vote for king!"

"Well how do ya become king then?" the woman demanded.

"The Lady of the Lake," Arthur responded with a faraway look, "She who guards the magic blade Excalibur, and who gave it to me, signifying that I, Arthur, was meant to have it. That is why I am king!"

"Look, friend," Dennis laughed, "Strange women lying in ponds is no basis for leading a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from the masses, not from some silly aquatic ceremony!"

"BE QUIET!" Arthur demanded, his frayed patience now running dangerously low.

"If I went around sayin' I was an emperor," Dennis reasoned mockingly, not really noticing the king's building rage, "Just because some chick in a bathin' suit chucked a scimitar at me, then take me away!"

"SHUT UP!" Arthur demanded as he violently grabbed Dennis' arm and dragged the peasant to his feet, "Will you just SHUT UP!?"

"Oh! Now we see the violence inherent in the system!" Dennis declared.

"COME SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM!" Dennis yelled at to the other villagers collecting mud out in the field as Arthur began to twist his arm, "Help, help! I'm bein' repressed!"

"Bloody peasant!" Arthur swore as he threw Dennis to the ground and stormed off to get away from the now staring villagers. The last thing that the king wanted to do was to have to start killing people, even if they were a bunch of loonies.

"Whoa! What a give-away!" Dennis blathered on as Arthur and Patsy rode away. "Did you hear that? Did you see him repressin' me?"

**To Be Continued...**


	4. Chapter 4: The Black Knight

**Runescape and the Holy Grail**

**Chapter 4: The Black Knight**

And so Arthur and his faithful servant Patsy traveled on towards Falador, the city of the White Knights. Along the way, however, they were attacked by a rabid Sandwich Lady, and were sent away to the Wilderness. Upon regaining consciousness, the King and his man-servant found themselves outside of a dark, ominous-looking castle. Deciding that this would be a good place to find brave and virtuous knights, the two went on in. However, the Dark Warriors who lived within this castle were more interested in robbing and killing the two intruders than helping to spread peace and justice.

Less than half an hour later, King Arthur and Patsy exited the castle.

"Well, that was a complete waste of our time," Arthur ranted as he wiped the blood coating Excalibur's blade with a thick cleaning cloth.

The king thought for a moment as he and his servant made their way towards the castle drawbridge, and then changed his mind. "Well, maybe not a COMPLETE waste of our time. Those runestone spawns that we found will surely be worth a bit."

"Yes, sir," Patsy replied nonchalantly.

As the pair began to cross the drawbridge, however, they saw two knights locked in a deadly battle on the opposite side. One was a young man in a full suit of green, adamant armor, and wielding a two handed sword of the same material. The other was a far more experienced and serious-looking man in a full suit of black armor, and fighting with a black two hander.

"Ha, ha, ha!" the inexperienced youth in green shouted gleefully as he swung his sword about wildly, and speaking in that most atrocious slang-tongue known as 'Leet Speak.' "Hi-ya! Lolz noob! Grn armr btr dan black! I winz! Me pwn u! lolz!"

The man in black armor said nothing. Instead, he calmly leapt back, returned his black sword to its sheath at his side, and then from the sheath on his back he withdrew another two handed sword, this one made of that most feared and sought-after crimson metal known as Dragon.

The Green Knight made another wild swing, and started in surprise as his blade snapped like a twig upon meeting the edge of his foe's weapon.

Continuing to say nothing at, the Black Knight slammed his sword into the ground, unleashing a powerful energy shockwave. The Green Knight only had time to give half of a surprised scream before being blasted ten feet into the air. Upon landing, the flood of blood flowing out from his armor's joints made it clear that the youth was quite dead.

Swiftly and silently, the Black Knight raided his fallen opponent's body, and shoved said body unceremoniously down into the moat. The Black Knight then turned to the large sack of belongings and loot at his feet in order to put his latest haul inside. The young man also then changed into a bulkier suit of black armor worn by Elite Black Knights- all the while being careful to keep his feet hidden. He then walked back to the edge of the drawbridge, held his weapon blade down in front of him, and struck a pose like that of an immovable sentinel.

King Arthur and Patsy looked towards each other and nodded in satisfaction. They then rode across the bridge and stopped before the Black Knight.

"You fight with the strength of many men, good Sir Knight," Arthur admonished.

The Black Knight did not respond.

"I am Arthur, King of the Britons," the king introduced himself. "I ride in search of the bravest and mightiest knights in all of the land, so that they may join me at my court at Camelot."

Still, the Black Knight did not answer.

Now growing somewhat concerned, and a bit miffed at being snubbed, the king explained further, "You have proven yourself worthy. Will you join me?"

Again, the Black Knight said nothing.

"You make me sad," Arthur reluctantly gave up. "Come, Patsy."

Just as the two prepared to go around the black-armored man, the warrior finally spoke.

"None shall pass!"

"What?" the surprised king questioned.

"None shall pass!"

"I have no quarrel with you, Sir Knight," Arthur explained, but I must cross this bridge.

"Then you shall die!"

"I command you," the offended king…well, commanded, "As King of the Britons to stand aside!"

"I yield for no man!" the Black Knight replied with finality.

Quite cross, yet eager for a challenge, the Arthur drew Excalibur as he replied, "Then so be it!"

With a crash of metal, the two combatants began to duel. The Black Knight attacked with ferocious swings and lunges, hoping to split his foe apart without having to get close.

Knowing that he could not hope to match his opponent's strength, and having a much shorter weapon, Arthur was relegated to dodging blows, and wait for either an opening, or for the Black Knight to tire himself out. At last, the Black Knight raised his blade too high, and the king rushed in to end the fight.

"Victory is mine!" declared Arthur as the Black Knight's left arm fell to the ground, "Now stand aside, worthy adversary!"

"Tis but a scratch!" the Black Knight scoffed as his left arm gushed blood.

"A scratch!?" a shocked Arthur declared. "Your arm's off?"

"No, it isn't," replied the knight stupidly.

"Well, what's that then?" the king persisted, pointing at the bleeding stump with his sword.

The Black Knight glanced at what remained of his left arm, shrugged, and answered, "I've had worse."

"You lie!"

"Come on, ya noob!" the Black Knight shouted, and then lunged at the king.

The Black Knight only managed a few clumsy, one-handed blows, which were easily parried by the legendary king. Quickly growing frustrated, the player killer then took up his sword like a lance, voiced a savage battle cry, and charged.

King Arthur, however, easily side-stepped, then casually cut off his foe's arm as he went by.

Satisfied, Arthur bent down on one knee and began to give a prayer of thanks.

"I thank thee, Lord Saradomin," said the king, "That in thy mercy, you have-,"

The surprised king suddenly fell to the ground upon receiving a savage kick to the head from his now armless enemy.

"Come on then!" the Black Knight declared while jumping up and down excitedly; both shoulders now bleeding copiously.

"You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine!" an irritated Arthur said as he stood himself back up.

"Ooh! Had enough, eh?" the player killer mocked.

"Look, you stupid noob!" the angry king ranted, "You've got no arms left!"

"Yes, I have!"

"Look!"

"Tis a flesh wound!"

The still hopping Black Knight then came up and began to kick King Arthur in the shins.

"Look, now stop that!"

"Chicken! Chicken!" the knight taunted childishly as he continued to kick the king, "I'll have your legs!"

"Right!" a now extremely irritated king shouted, and then promptly cut off his enemy's left leg.

"Right! I'll do ya for that one!" the suddenly very angry Black Knight shouted as he struggled to remain balanced on his one remaining appendage.

"You'll what!?"

"I'll kill ya!"

"Well, what are you going to do?" the king mocked, "Bleed on me?"

"I'M INVINCIBLE!" raved the Black Knight as he hopped up right next to his enemy so as to do just that.

"You're a loony," Arthur commented, stepping back to avoid anymore of the Black Knight's bleeding on his tunic.

"The Black Knight always triumphs!" the player killer shouted maniacally. "Have at you! Have at you!"

There was a sudden _shlick_ sound, and the now limbless Black Knight fell to the ground and landed waist up.

The surprised warrior looked down to observe his newly shortened height, looked back up at the man who had beaten him and conceded, "Alright, we'll call it a draw!"

Now no longer having anything more to do with the obviously insane knight, Arthur sheathed his blade, took the Black Knight's Dragon Two Hander and bag of loot, and turned to his servant.

"Come, Patsy," said the king, and the two 'rode' away.

"Oh, I see!" the suddenly extremely angry Black Knight shouted, "Running away, eh? You…"

At this point, the word censor became active for several minutes.

"…Noob! Come back here and take what's coming to ya! I'll bite your legs off!"

Two hours passed, and the Black Knight continued to sit, no, err, stand? Lay about? Anyway: When another young man, this one wearing black and red mystical robes, and carrying a black and purple staff with a symbol like a circle with an x through it came by.

"What now?" the Black Knight sighed.

"Lolz, easy pickings!" the player killing mage chuckled. "Die, noob! Shadow Blitz!"

"Noooooooooo!" the Black Knight shouted as he was blasted by a hundred globules of shadowy energy.

At last, the Black Knight fell over and lay dead, never to rise again.

"Lolz!" the mage gloated as he began to strip the limbless corpse, and the limbs, of all valuables. "I pwn!"

**To Be Continued…**


	5. Chapter 5: Witch Village

**Runescape and the Holy Grail**

**Chapter 5: Witch Village**

Meanwhile, at Remmington, a dastardly plot was taking place!

Several dozen raggedly dressed villagers ran thruought Remmington Village, screaming out, "A witch! A witch!" At last they stopped before the town magistrate, one Mr. Bedivere, who had till that moment been standing near the town well performing an experiment involving coconuts and swallows.

"We've found a witch! May we burn her!" one of the villagers declared, hitting his pitchfork upon the ground to get the magistrate's attention.

Bedivere released his swallow, who fell from the weight of the coconut was tied to. Sighing in disappointment, he turned to the villagers and said, "Bring her forward."

The villagers pushed an elderly woman in dark green robes to the front. A badly-made, too-small robe of black material had been put on over the top of her regular robes, and tied over her nose was a long, hollowed-out carrot. On top of her head, a triangular strainer had also been placed.

"I'm not a witch! I'm not a witch!" the old woman objected.

"But you are dressed as one," the handlebar mustache-wearing Bedivere replied matter-of-factly.

"They dressed me up like this," the old woman answered, gesturing towards the villagers who were accusing her.

Immediately, the villagers began to object loudly.

"And this isn't my nose," the woman continued, pointing at the carrot that had been stuck to her face, "It's a false one!"

Bedivere carefully examined the indicated carrot, pulled it back carefully to see the woman's own rather large nose stuck underneath, then looked up and glared grumpily at the other villagers.

"Did you dress her up like this?" demanded Bedivere.

"No, no!" the villagers answered, then reconsidered and changed their answer to "A bit."

"We did do the nose," the first villager admitted.

"The nose?" Bedivere replied skeptically.

"And the hat," conceded the villager. "But she is a witch!"

"She turned me into a newt!" another villager declared.

"A newt?"

"I got better," the second villager explained lamely.

"Burn her anyway!" the first villager declared.

"Yeah! Burn! Burn!" the other villagers called out in unison.

At this point, King Arthur and Patsy rode into town. Curious, the King of the Britons stopped and observed the scene, eager to see how things would be handled.

"Quiet! Quiet!" Bedivere demanded.

After a few moments, the crowd simmered down enough to let their magistrate speak.

"There are ways of telling if she is a witch," Bedivere explained.

"Are there?" the first villager asked.

"Tell us! Tell us!" the villagers demanded.

"What, aside from witches, burns?" asked Bedivere.

"More witches!" the first villager shouted, only to be hit unexpectedly by one of his companions.

"Wood!" this third villager said.

"Exactly!" Bedivere replied, happy to have found someone with at least half a brain.

"Now," he continued, "Why do witches burn?"

The villagers stood in complete silence, not at all sure how to answer the odd question.

After minutes, the second villager spoke and guessed hesitantly, "Because they're made of… wood?"

"Good!" Bedivere replied, pleased by the ease with which he was able to manipulate them. He gave the villagers a moment to congratulate and praise their friend before carrying on.

"Now, how do we find out if she is made of wood?"

"Build a bridge out of her!" the first villager answered enthusiastically.

"Ah, but can bridges not also be built out of stone?"

"Oh, yeah…," the crestfallen villager replied.

Several minutes passed with no one saying anything.

Bedivere sighed, then asked, "Does wood sink in water?"

"Nope! Nope!" the first villager shook his head.

"It floats!" the third villager declared.

"Throw her into the pond!" the first villager yelled.

All of the villagers cheered and rushed forward to grab the old woman, whose name wasHetty.

"Wait! Wait!" Bedivere commanded, somehow getting the villager's attention again. "What else floats in water?"

The villagers thought for a moment, then began throwing out random answers.

"Apples!" "Cider!" "Postie Pete!" "Great gravy!" "Very small rocks!" "Goblins!" "Churches!" Noobs!" "Varrock Palace!" "Lead, lead!"

"A duck!" King Arthur suddenly declared, causing everyone to turn towards him in surprise.

"Exactly!" Bedivere declared and continued on, despite his curiosity of the stranger's identity. "So, logically…?"

"If…she…," the first villager began, thinking it out a word at a time (with some encouraging hand gestures from Bedivere), "Weighs…the same…as a duck…then she's made of wood."

"And therefore?"

The villagers paused for a moment.

"A witch!" the third villager declared.

"A witch!" the first echoed.

"A witch!" all of the villagers cheered.

"We shall use my largest scales!" said Bedivere, leading the villagers and their expected victim to the quarry just north of the village.

The "scales" turned out to be nothing more than an oversized shovel balanced on top of an iron rock.

With a sigh, Hetty stepped onto the shovel's scoop, weighing it down.

The "duck" that was brought in by the villagers, however, turned out to be a baby blue dragon with a leash and collar, the latter being labeled as "Mr. Ducky."

'I hate my life,' the dragon thought.

Bedivere sighed in annoyance, but said nothing. Although the dragon was clearly not a duck, it would also clearly not weigh the same.

Somehow, the villagers got the dragon onto the handle end of the shovel, and and the entire shovel of course leaned down onto "Mr. Ducky's" end. Without anyone noticing, however, one villager suddenly forced a granite platebody into Hetty's hands, causing the scales to balance out.

The villagers' initial groan was instantly replaced with a cheer.

"A witch! A witch! Burn her! Burn her!'

"This is a fair court," Hetty sighed.

Before Bedivere could say or do anything, the villagers lead Hetty and "Mr. Ducky," away, and out into the woods. However, the villagers' cheers soon turned into screams, and a wildfire broke out, which swiftly spread out to consume the village. Out of the smoke and into the sunset flew Hetty, riding atop the blue dragon. The name "Mr. Ducky," upon the dragon's collar had scratched out and replaced with the name "Village Destroyer."

Once outside of the burning village, Bedivere approached Arthur and asked, "Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?"

"I am Arthur, King of the Britons!" Arthur declared.

"My liege!" Bedivere replied with awe as he got down onto one knee.

"I am on a quest to find the bravest knights in the land to join me at my court at Camelot!" Arthur announced, "Will you join me?"

"Oh, my liege! I would be honored!"

"What is your name, sir?" Arthur asked as he drew Excalibur.

"Bedivere, my liege!"

"Then I dub you Sir Bedivere!" Arthur declared, tapping the dark haired man before him on each shoulder with his sword, "Knight of the Round Table!"

And so Sir Bedivere became the first to join King Arthur and his court. But other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Lancelot, the Brave; Sir Galahad, the Pure; Sir Robin, the Not-Quite-As-Brave-As-Sir Lancelot- who had nearly fought the dragon Elvarg of Crandor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Evil Chicken, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Edgeville- and the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Story. Together they formed a band of knights whose brave deeds would be retold throughout the ages: The Knights of the Round Table!

((The Narrator was then tackled by a gorilla))

What? Who said that? *BAM!*

**To Be Continued…**


	6. Chapter 6: Knights of the Round Table

**Author's Note:** I apologize for the following, however most of the next scene involves singing, and I'm not a good enough writer yet to successfully the song and the action that takes place during the song at the same time. I promise that this will be the last time that I will use script format. Please do not ban me.

**Runescape and the Holy Grail**

**Chapter 6: Knights of the Round Table**

Ten men come "riding" through the forest between Catherby and Seer's men. Five were knights in shining white armor. The others were their servants, carrying luggage and banging coconuts all the way. The knights are King Arthur and his newly created Knights of the Round Table- Sir Lancelot, Sir Bedivere, Sir Galahad, and Sir Robin- on their way home to the castle of Camelot.

"And that, my liege," Sir Bedivere says to Arthur as they ride, "Is how to kill the Kalphite Queen with a bronze dagger."

"This new learning amazes me Sir Bedivere," said Arthur. "Tell me again, how a cabbage can be used to kill Tzz-Tok-Jad."

"Certainly, my liege," the mustachioed knight began. "First, you must…,"

"Look my liege!" Sir Lancelot shouted while pointing ahead, causing the party to stop.

Before them stood a magnificent castle.

"Camelot!" Arthur sighed happily.

"Camelot!" exclaimed Lancelot in wonder.

"Camelot!" Galahad declared with awe.

"Its only a stupid old castle," Patsy scoffed.

"Sssh!" Arthur hissed at his servant. Then turning to his men he said, "Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride to Camelot!"

At this exclamation, a magical vision appeared before all of the knights of one of the great feasts of seasons past.

--Begin song. Change to script format. My deepest apologies.--

*Bouncy music starts to play*

Knights- We're knights of the round table!

We dance when ere we're able!

We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork im-pec-able!

We dine quite well in Camelot, we eat ham and jam, and spam-a-lot!

The knights dance around on top of the round table and accidentally kick over a servant carrying food.

Knights- We're knights of the round table!

Our shows are form-i-dable! *do a can-can on top of table*

But often times we're given rhymes that are quiet un-sing-able!

We're opera mad in Camelot, we sing from the di-a-phragm-a-looooooooot!

The knights dance around some more. Quick scene change to the dungeon, where a prisoner chained to the wall claps to the muffled tune. Switch back to the dance knights, who tap dance upon the table. One knight drums one four other knight's heads with a pair of maces, ending up with smacking another servant in the head.

Knight- In war we're tough-and-able! *knights accidentally step on a cat, which screeches*

Quiet in-de-fat-i-gable!

Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable!

It's a busy life in Camelot…

Lone Knight- I…have…to…push…the…pram-a-looooooooooooooot!

More dancing, finishes up the sequence, end song. Cut back to Arthur and his knights.

--End song and script format--

As the vision ends, Arthur began to reconsider.

"Uh, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place."

"Right, right," the other knights agree as they begin to ride away.

**To Be Continued…**

**Author's Note- **Again I apologize for the script format. Also, I highly recommend looking up Knights of the Round Table on Youtube if you don't have access to a Monty Python and the Holy Grail movie. The actual scene is much funnier than what I can do. There is even a pretty decent recreation of the scene done in Legos that was originally on the collector edition DVD. Thank you for reading.


	7. Chapter 7: God, er, Saradomin

**Author's Note: **I realize that this story has been favorited several times without the people who favorited it replying. This is a bit of a pet peeve of mine, as the lack of replies makes it seem like nobody is reading it, and is why I almost gave up on this story here. You don't have to reply to every chapter, but if you have or will favorite this chapter, I ask you to PLEASE take a couple of seconds to reply. I'm sure that it would be greatly appreciated by other authors that you favorite as well. Thank you.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Runescape or Monty Python.

**Chapter 7: God, er, Saradomin**

Having dismissed the idea of visiting Camelot, King Arthur and his knights eventually decided to travel to the city of Ardougne, hoping to find some new adventure. As they passed through the small village of Hemnester, they were thrust into the greatest adventure of their lives.

As the band of knights rode past the Ranging Guild, the sky suddenly darkened, and thunder rolled across the sky. Then a great light shone out from out of the clouds, and the giant image of an elderly man with a long white beard appeared amidst this light.

"Arthur!" the old man, who was in fact the great god Saradomin, called out. "Arthur! King of the Britons!"

Instantly, Arthur, his knights, and their servants all fell to their knees so as to worship, and show humility to, the great god of peace, wisdom, and order.

"Oh, stop that!" Saradomin snapped suddenly, "Don't grovel! I can't stand it when you people grovel!"

"Sorry," apologized the King of Great Britain as he and his followers got back to their feet.

"And don't apologize! Its always the same, whenever I try to talk to some mortal its always "Sorry"-this, and "Forgive"- me that, and "I'm not worthy!..." What are you doing?"

"I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord Saradomin," Arthur replied as he and his people looked away so as not to look the god in the face.

"Well don't! Its just like those miserable psalms: they're so depressing! Now knock it off!"

"Yes, Lord,"

"Right." Saradomin cleared his throat, then returned to where he had left off. "Arthur, King of the Britons, I have a task for you to set an example for all of these crazy adventurers in this fast-paced time."

"Good idea, oh Lord!"

"Of course it's a good idea!" Clearing his throat again, Saradomin replaced his image in the sky with an image of a splendid golden cup.

"Look well, Arthur, for this is the Holy Grail. You must search the land for this sacred chalice and claim it for your own, and mine, glory!"

"Why?" asked Sir Robin's servant, as the image of the cup was replaced with Saradomin's visage.

Without warning, a lightning bolt shot down out of the sky and struck the servant. The poor sap died instantly.

"Never question the gods!" Saradomin declared. Clear his throat a third time, the god answered sheepishly, "And, ahem, if you must know, I have a big birthday bash coming up, and I've invited all the other gods. The Grail is the jewel of my magical relics collection, you see, and I wanted to show off. But, of course that jerk Zamorak went and stole it, then tossed it somewhere into the human world and I need someone to go and find it for me.

King Arthur and his remaining companions looked on with rather bewildered expressions, but wisely chose not to comment on the strangeness of the situation. Instead, Arthur replied with a humble, "Yes, Lord Saradomin. I understand."

"Excellent. Now go! This is your purpose in life, Arthur: The Quest for the Holy Grail!"

With that, Saradomin disappeared.

The knights continued to stand about for several moments with a mix of shock, awe, and confusion.

"A blessing! A blessing from the gods!" Lancelot finally said, not quite sure what else to call it.

"Saradomin be praised!" Galahad added.

"Well that was quite interesting," Bedivere mused.

"Oy! I soiled me armor I was so scared!" Sir Robin whimpered.

"Knights! Forward!" Arthur declared. "Oh, and go and change your armor, Robin!"

**To Be Continued…**


	8. Chapter 8: The French Taunters

**Author's Note: **This chapter and the next one I will be posting at the same time, as they are best enjoyed together. Please enjoy, and cookies for the first person to guess where in Runescape you can find a parody to this scene.

**Chapter 8: The French Taunters**

After receiving the divine proclamation by Saradomin, King Arthur and his knights set out at once in search of the Holy Grail. After months of false leads and aimless wanderings, the band of adventurers at last arrived in the Trollweis Mountains, where they were savagely attacked by the Sandwhich Lady, and were chased into the Wilderness. After another week of wandering, they at last came arrived at the northern gates of a great, walled fortress. Unbeknownst to the knights of Camelot, this fortress was in fact the city of Varrock.

Unfortunately, the guards stationed at this particular gate were- like Arthur, Patsy, Lancelot, and Galahad- also from the dimension inhabited by the planet Earth, and these extra-planar travelers were heavily biased against the English.

As the knights approached the gates, their servants pulled from their packs a number of brass horns, upon which they blew a triumphant fanfare.

"Hello!" Arthur yelled up to the walls once he and his men, and the fanfare had come to a stop. This was because the gates were closed, and no one could be seen outside or upon the walls.

After a moment had passed without reply, Arthur repeated his cry, but louder. "

"HELLO!!"

"Hello? Who iz it?" a guard dressed in black leather studded armor with a curly grey mustache and a very thick accented replied, peering up from over the wall.

"I am Arthur, King of the Britons!" Arthur replied, "Whose stronghold is this?"

Much to the king's relief, the guard- without any reference to his and his men's use of coconuts- replied, "Thiz iz ze city of Varrrock, ruled by my master: King Roald III!"

Sending a silent prayer of thanks to Saradomin, King Arthur continued, "Go and tell your master that my knights and I are on a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, then he may join us on our quest for the Holy Grail!"

"Okay, I'll azk him, but I don't zink he will be very keen," the guard replied, "He haz already got one, you see?"

"WHAT!?" King Arthur shouted back, confused.

"He said they've already got one," Sir Galahad confirmed.

"Are you sure?" the King called back to the guards.

"Oh, yes, itz very nice," the guard replied enthusiastically. He then turned towards his comrades who were hiding beneath behind the wall and said, "I zem we've already got one."

The group of guardsmen snickered quietly amongst themselves at this.

"Um, may we come up and have a look?" asked Arthur.

"Of course not!" the guard shouted back indignantly, "You are English-types!"

Confused, Arthur replied, "Well, what are you then?"

"I'm French! Why else do you zink I have zis outrageous accent, you silly king!"

"What are you doing in Runescape?" asked Sir Galahad.

"Mind your own business!" the rude French guard responded.

"If you will not show us the Grail, then we will take it by force!" Arthur threatened.

"You don't frighten us English pig-dogs!" the guard taunted, "Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you empty-headed animals! You dumb stinky noobies! I fart in your general direction, British noobs! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of winterberries!"

Once this tirade was complete, the guard blew a loud, long raspberry while banging his hands upon his helmet.

"What a strange person," Galahad remarked.

"Now look here-!" Arthur began.

"I don't wanna talk to you no more you no more, so-called Arthur King!" the Frenchman interrupted, "I blow my nose at you! You and all of your silly English knnnnnn-nnig-hits!"

"If you do not surrender the Grail voluntarily, then we shall…,"

As the King of England began to ramble off a list of threats, the French taunter turned towards one of his still-hidden companions and jabbered something at him in rapid French.

"Huh?" the other French guard asked.

"Fetch ze cow!" the taunter huffed.

"…And then we shall chop you up into tiny pieces-," the king continued to threaten, when suddenly he was interrupted by a loud BOING!

"Boing?" the angry and confused king asked, "What's boing? Is that some kind of new internet slang?"

"MOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!"

With a mighty POW!, Sir Galahad's servant was smashed by a falling cow, which had been launched over Varrock's walls via-catapult.

"Right," the king said, staring at the mangled servant and impact-killed cow. Then he turned back towards the gates, drew his sword and shouted, "CHARGE!"

The knights bravely assaulted the castle walls, brandishing their swords, looking threatening and making a general hullabaloo. However, they were unable to breach the walls. Meanwhile, the terrible Frenchmen began to rain down upon our heroes' heads volley-after-volley of cabbages, chickens, iron helms, bronze hatchets, spears, and imps dipped in kerosene and set aflame.

At last forced to call a regroup, King Arthur bravely shouted, "Run away!"

The cry was echoed by his knights as they fled away from the wall, and took cover in the Wilderness Ditch, while the Frenchmen laughed hysterically.

"Let me at them, sire! I'll tear them to pieces!" Sir Lancelot growled.

"Sir," Sir Bedivere said suddenly, his eyes lighting up with inspiration. "I have a plan."

**To Be Continued…**


	9. Chapter 9: The Trojan Kebbit

**Chapter 9: The Trojan Kebbit**

The head Frenchman sat upon the wall, looking out over the small forest which separated Varrock from the Wilderness. Suddenly, to his ears came the sound of woodcutting and falling trees. This was soon added to by the din of construction, and the head Frenchman began to wonder what was going on.

"Sacre bleu! What iz going on?"

See?

A ruckus of sounds flowed from the forest. First came the sound of woodcutting and trees falling over. Sawing and hammering noises soon followed. Then, there was a sudden, ominous silence, which was quickly interrupted by a loud BANG! of unknown origin, followed by the yowling of an angry cat. Shortly afterwards there came squeaking sounds, and the noise of power tools being started up; amongst these being the loud drilling of the jackhammer, the growl of the chainsaw, and the whine of the power saw. At last there came another ominous silence.

Several minutes later, the squeak of approaching wooden wheels, uh…approached.

"SACRE BLEU!" the Frenchman shouted as the source of the squeaking rolled out of the forest.

Into the clearing came an enormous wooden kebbit at least twenty feet tall. Behind it, Patsy and the other servants (including Sir Galahad's, who was now heavily bandaged) pushed the monstrous woodworking project to the North Gate. Once the kebbit had arrived at its destination, the servants quickly turned and fled back into the woods.

Due to his wounds, Sir Galahad's servant was only able to hobble along slowly back towards cover.

Curious, the Frenchmen came down from their post and out of the gate in order to examine the enormous wooden bunny-like creature. The guards examined the kebbit closely, looked back towards the woods (ignoring Sir Galahad's still-hobbling servant, who hadn't even made it half-way back to the woods), then turned and talked amongst themselves in French. After another quick look at the kebbit and the surrounding area, the French then got behind the kebbit themselves and pushed it into Varrock itself, closing the gates behind them.

Coming out from their hidden position amongst the shadows of the forests, King Arthur and his men looked towards the still gates.

"What happens now?" asked Arthur.

"Well, now we wait until nightfall," Sir Bedivere replied, "Then, once they are all asleep, Lancelot, Galahad, and I will leap out of the kebbit, and thus taking the French by surprise. And not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!!"

King Arthur, Sir Robin, Sir Galahad, and Sir Lancelot looked towards their companion with admiration. But only for a moment.

A tad-perplexed, and hoping that he was wrong, Arthur frowned and asked, "Who leaps out?"

"Lancelot, Galahad, and I," the heavily mustachioed knight began enthusiastically, though his voice trailed off as he realized his mistake, "Leap…out of the kebbit…"

Arthur groaned, and Galahad sighed. Lancelot put his head into his hand in annoyance, and a confused Sir Robin looked about wondering why the plan couldn't work.

"Um," Bedivere began hesitantly, "I was wondering, perhaps if we built this large, wooden badger…,"

In response to this, both Arthur and Lancelot smacked their comrade in the head.

A moment later, there came another mighty BOING!, and this time their giant kebbit construct came sailing through the air.

"RUN AWAY!" Arthur and his knights yelled, and they and their servants fled further into the woods. All except for one…

Sir Galahad's servant continued to hobble towards the forest as fast as his wounds would allow. Just as he was about to reach cover, unfortunately, the kebbit came down. With a final strangled scream, the ill-fated man was crushed to death by the enormous wooden rodent of doom.

Some time later at Thurgo's Peninsula, a Famous Historian was giving an historical lecture to his students of the adventure of King Arthur and the Holy Grail. However, this would put it many years into the future, and yet the adventure is not yet over, which is very odd… You know, never mind. Half this story is nonsense anyway, so just go with it!

"Although defeated by the Frenchmen at Varrock," the Historian said, "King Arthur refused to be discouraged. Though the Frenchman's taunting had taken them completely by surprise, Arthur soon regrouped, and consulted with his closest knights, and they decided that in order for the Quest for the Holy Grail to be brought to a successful conclusion, they decided that they should separate. Now this is what they did…"

Without warning, King Arthur and his knights fled out of the trapdoor which leads to the Ice Dungeon with a brave and hearty "RUN AWAY!" Following them came the Sandwich Lady.

"'Ello there, sir!" the Sandwich Lady said brightly to the confused and hapless historian, "You look 'ungry! Would you like something to eat?"

"Well, um, yes, actually. I am feeling a bit puckish."

With a bright and innocent smile, the Sandwich Lady said, "Here! Have a bread roll, on me!"

"Alright," the Historian said, reaching into the Sandwich Lady's wooden tray. Suddenly, another snack caught the man's eye, and he said, "Oooh! I do believe that I am in the mood for a triangle sandwich instead!"

Instead of a bread roll, the old historian took a triangle sandwich; and all you-know-what broke loose.

Instantly, the Sandwich Lady's skinned turned blood red, and grew a tail, wings, horns and fangs. In a demonic voice, she declared, "I DIDN"T SAY THAT YOU COULD HAVE THAT, YA LITTLE PUNK!!! HOW DARE YOU TAKE WHAT I DIDN'T SAY YOU COULD HAVE!!!"

"Oh dear," the doomed man whimpered, as his students fled.

With an evil laugh, the Sandwich Demoness said, "And now I'm going to teach you a lesson that you'll never forget, fool! You shall never ignore the Sandwich Lady, ever again!!! MUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

A long, very-stale piece of French bread covered in iron spikes was withdrawn from bottom of the Sandwich Demoness' tray.

"No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

**To Be Continued…**


	10. Chapter 10: The Tale of Sir Robin

**EDIT: Author's Note: **A recent review has suggested a different way of doing this chapter, and after some consideration, I have decided that he's right. Thanks Aechiles.

**Runescape and the Holy Grail**

**Chapter 10: The Tale of Sir Robin**

And so each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin took to the forests of eastern Kandarin, accompanied by his favorite minstrels. As Sir Robin rode through the forest, his minstrels would play their instruments harps, and lutes, and pipes, and sing of Sir Robin's brave deeds.

And thus they sang:

"Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot

He was not at all afraid, oh brave Sir Robin!

He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways!

Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!

"He was not in the least bit scared to be smashed into a pulp!

Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken!

To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away!

And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!

"His head smashed in, and his heart cut out,

And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,

And his nostrils slit and his bottom burned off,

And his naughty parts…."

"Err, um, that's enough music for now, lads," Sir Robin interrupted suddenly, "Look's like there's dirty work afoot."

This was true, (though not the primary reason he had stopped them) as the woods in which they rode was now filled with bones and bloodied corpses- many of which clearly were once low-level players.

Suddenly, the farmer Dennis and his ugl-, er, I mean: unfortunately disfigured woman companion ran past.

"Help! Help! We're being repressed!" Dennis yelled as he ran.

"Run! Its a three headed tyrant!" the masculine-faced woman, yelled.

"Three headed tyrant?" Sir Robin wondered.

Suddenly, an enormous black creature burst out of the trees and into the clearing. It was like an enormous lizard, with giant bat wings, razor sharp claws, three heads with dagger-like teeth, and six terrible, blood-red eyes. It was the legendary King Black Dragon!

"Halt, food!" the three heads of the terrible monster bellowed in unison, "Who goes there!?"

Instantly, the lead minstrel jumped in, accompanied by the instrumental music of his fellows, "He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, brave Sir…!"

"Shut up!" Sir Robin yelled at the minstrels, instantly silencing them. Then turning to the hungry-looking beast he stuttered, "N-n-n-n-n-nobody really. J-j-j-j-j-just p-p-p-p-passing through."

"What do you want!?" the KBD demanded.

"To fight, and….!" The lead minstrel began again.

"Shut up!" Robin shouted again. Then he turned back to his opponent and repeated, "N-n-n-n-n-nothing really. J-j-j-j-j-just p-p-p-p-passing through."

"I'm afraid not!"

"Well, um, uh," Robin said, thinking hard to find an excuse that might get him out of this alive. Then at last he tried, "Well, I am a Knight of the Round Table."

"You're a Knight of the Round Table!?" the three-headed dragon asked in surprise and awe.

Standing up straighter and now feeling quite a bit braver, Sir Robin confirmed, "I am."

"In that case I'd like to kill you," the head on the right replied, much to Robin's dismay.

"Let's gas him!" suggested the middle head.

"I'd rather burn him," said the right one again.

"Oh, let's be nice to him," said the left head.

"Oh, shut up," the right head snapped.

"I…," Sir Robin tried to cut in to add his vote to the "Let's be nice to him."

"And you!" all three heads cut Robin off at once.

"Oh, come on brothers!" the right head whined, "I want to bite his head off!"

"Oh, bite your own head off!" the left head sniffed.

"Yes, do us all a favor," the middle head agreed.

"What's that supposed to mean?" right head questioned.

"You're lucky you're not next to him," the middle head said to the left head.

"What do you mean?" right head demanded again.

"You snore!" middle head replied.

"Oh, I do not!" right head answered, "And anyway, you've got bad breath!"

"Well it doesn't do us any good that you never brush my teeth!"

"Guys, guys!" the left head interrupted, "Let's all stop arguing and go and eat some dragonslayers!."

"All right, all right," the right head conceded, "We'll squish this guy first, then we'll go have some dragonslayers and noobs."

"Yes," middle head nodded.

"Oh, not noobs," left head disagreed, "Too chewy."

"Oh, fine, not noobs," right head rolled his eyes, "But let's just go ahead and kill him anyway!"

"Right!" the other two agreed.

By this time, however, Sir Robin had used the bizarre conversation to his advantage.

"He's run off!" right head observed angrily.

"So he has," middle head agreed.

"The cowardly little noob!" growled left head.

---Some miles away---

"Sir Robin ran away!" the head minstrel happily sang.

"No!" Sir Robin objected.

"Sir Robin bravely ran away, away!"

"I didn't!" the least brave of King Arthur's knights said in a very whiney voice.

"When danger reared its ugly head,

He bravely turned his tail and fled, ("No, I didn't!")

Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about,

And gallantly he chickened out, ("All lies!")

Bravely to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat,

Bravest of the braaaaaaave Sir Robin!! ("Liar! Liar!")

**To Be Continued…**


	11. Chapter 11: The Tale of Sir Galahad

**Author's Note: **Sorry I'm late with this chapter. I have also redone the last chapter as well, and it might be worth your while to take a look at it.

**Chapter 11:**

**The Tale of Sir Galahad**

Sir Galahad continued to run for his life. The demon which pursued him now had been after him since the Demonic Ruins, and now he was near the Rogue's Castle. Yet though his muscles burned with pain and fatigue, and though he was now almost completely out of energy potions, he dared not stop.

"Where are you going, Sir Galahad?" the evil beast which was the Sandwich Lady in her Super Demon form called out mockingly from behind. "You haven't made your selection yet! Have a flesh-eating burgette on me! Buwhahahahahahaha!"

As Sir Galahad continued to run, a level 75 player killer dressed in blue dragonhide armor and wielding a magic shortbow jumps out from behind a rock and begins to fire at Galahad.

"lolz! Die noob! Easy pray!" the player killer gloated happily as he gave chase and fired arrows, though his projectiles failed to do much damage to Sir Galahad. He was forced to come to a stop, however, when a hand grabbed his shoulder.

"Hey wat gives?" the player killer demanded as he turned to face who had stopped him from chasing his target.

"'Ello there pkrngrawsme8!" the Sandwich Lady- now back in her human form- said with a pleasant smile. "You look hungry! Have a triangle sandwich on me!"

"K," the player killer pouted as he looked into the Sandwich Lady's box. Then his eyes lit up upon spotting a chocolate bar. "Allrght! Chclte! Thnx noob event!"

As soon as the level 75's hands touched the chocolate bar, though, his life was forfeit.

"I didn't say you could have that, you little worm!" the Sandwich Lady bellowed as she changed back into her demon form. "Die!'

With that, the demonic sandwich vendor raised a flaming breadroll high into the air, then brought it down upon the unfortunate pker's head with the force of a nuclear blast, complete with mushroom cloud.

Sir Galahad was caught by the blast's shockwave as he continued to flee, sending him flying for several yards before crashing back down to earth. As the harried knight looked up- spitting out a mouthful of dirt as he did so- he saw, to his relief, the Rogue's Castle straight ahead. But then, to his great wonder and amazement, he saw a brilliantly shining coming from the topmost tower, a light whose source seemed to take the form of a goblet!

"The Holy Grail!" Sir Galahad declared in awe. With renewed strength and vigor, the young knight forced himself back to his feet and made his way to the gate.

"Open the door!" he declared while pounding upon the gate. "In the name of King Arthur, open the door!"

With an ominous creak, the door swung open.

"Hello? Is anyone here?" Galahad asked as he stepped cautiously inside.

No one was there, not even the rogues for whom the castle was named. Drawing his sword, Galahad carefully began to wander the empty halls while making his way for the stairs to the tower. At last he found the spiral staircase and swiftly climbed them and entered the room in which he had seen the Grail.

"At last, the Grail!" he shouted with joy upon seeing the holy chalice sitting there upon the windowsill, "The quest is complete! The Grail- huh? What is this!?"

During his monologue, Galahad had sheathed his sword and reached out to claim the Grail, only to find that it was merely a glass goblet with a high powered light bulb (connected to a battery pack) inside.

"Its not the real Grail? What is going on here?"

Suddenly, the false grail shattered for no apparent reason. A low moan and the sound of many shuffling feet could be heard coming up from the bottom of the stairs.

"A trap!" Galahad declared, drawing his sword and raising his shield as he turned to face the stairs.

For several tense moments, Galahad stared at the door and stairway, awaiting his attackers. At last they came, shuffling forward with their arms raised like zombies. They were dressed all in either bronze or iron, and each one of them bore a lost, vacant expression on their face.

"Free st000000000f!" they groaned in unison.

"Agh! Noob zombies!" Galahad gasped in horror.

"Can I have yer sword?" the nooby undeads moaned as they made their way forward, "Where you get dat armr? Which way to lumby? Free st00f plox!"

"Have at thee, noob monsters!" Galahad declared, raising his sword in salute. "For Camelot!"

With that, the fearless Knight of the Round Table charged his enemies, striking them down with each blow of his sword. Within seconds, the creatures were all dead. Galahad then fled down the stairs and dashed for the door. As he ran, the moaning call of "Free st00f!" echoed all throughout the halls as the revenant noobs began to crawl from their various hiding places.

Galahad struck down every noob which got too close, but he did not stop to fight them all. There were far too many. Ten feet from the door and salvation however, the gates of the Castle of Noobs banged shut of their own accord.

"No! No! No!" Galahad cried as he tugged fruitlessly at the gate. "Open! Open! Open! Open! Open! Open!"

The noob zombies marched onwards toward Sir Galahad, like an endless, evil wave of evil. Their arms were outstretched and their hands grasped for Galahad's gold. Their moaning demands in bad grammer were like daggers to the knight's ears.

"Free st00f! Giv us yur cape! Giv us sum gold! Free st00f plox!"

"Stay back! Get away!" Galahad shouted, hacking frantically as the first members of the terrible hoard got within sword range. "No! Stay away! No! No!"

Suddenly, the door exploded, throwing both Galahad and the noob zombies flying. Out of the smoke rushed Sir Lancelot, Sir Bors, Sir Gawain, and Sir Ector. The latter three were new knights who had recently been recruited by Sir Lancelot to join the Knights of King Arthur. The three new knights charged and began to slay the undead noobs mercilessly, while Sir Lancelot helped Galahad to his feet.

"Come, Galahad! We must flee!"

"Darn right!" Galahad nodded.

Once Galahad had his bearings once more, the Gawain, Bors and Ector broke off, and all five knights fled out into the Wilderness. The swarm of revenants gave chase, but had no hope of catching them.

"Free st00f!" the noob zombies called out desperately.

With a sudden puff of smoke, the Sandwich Lady suddenly appeared once more (in human form)!

"Hello, Hoard of Noob Zombies!" the Sandwich Lady smiled pleasantly, "Have a meat pie on me!"

"Free st00f!" the noobs responded.

"Yes," the Sandwich Lady nodded, "Free stuff. Have a meat pie on me!'

"Free st00f!" the zombies continued to groan.

"Yes, free stuff. Right here," the Sandwich Lady responded, her voice now beginning to grow impatient. "Meat pie. For free. In my box.

"St00f?"

"Yes!"

"Cn we hav yer hat? Were u gt box? Cn we hav it? Giv us free st00f 4 free plox!"

With that, the Sandwich Lady lost all patience and changed back into her demon form with a loud pop.

"That's it! I've had it with you punks!" she cried in a monstrous voice, now hefting a bread roll covered in spikes made of fire. "Die!"

KABOOM!

**To Be Continued…**


	12. Chapter 12: Scene24?

**Chapter 12:**

**Scene… 24?**

**AKA: A Vital Clue…And Some Technical Problems**

Meanwhile, not more than two swallows' flights after a Lumbridge Teleport away, Arthur and Bedivere had uncovered a vital clue at the village of Draynor!

That's two unladen swallows' flights away of course. I mean, of course it was more then two LADEN swallows' flights. I mean, if the first were walking, the second one….GAAAGH!! *gets swarmed by ninja monkeys shouting "Get on with it! Get on with it!"*

*We apologize for the inconvenience caused by our noobish narrator. He has now been execu- er, been sacked. Please stand-by while we draft a new narrator.*

*Moments later*

Okay, so all I need to do is read this script, right? Okay, no adlib, got it. Ahem!

Within a house across the street from a (so-called) recently robbed bank, King Arthur and Bedivere sit in meeting with a strange- yet presumably very wise- old man.

"Old man," pleaded King Arthur, "Were does this mage live?"

"He knows of a cave," the old man cackled madly, "A cave which no one has ever entered. And beyond that, a bridge which no man has ever crossed!"

"Yes, you've already told us that, but where does this mage live?"

"Seek ye," the old man said suddenly, "The Bridge of Death!"

"The Bridge of Death?" asked Arthur.

Suddenly, a bell rang.

"What was that?"

"It means that your time is up," the old man cackled gleefully. "Have a nice day!"

"But we've already spent all our gold trying to plumb you for information, you old prune! You can't just call it quits on us after only two minutes!"

"Well if you can't pay any more," the old man sniffed indignantly, pushing his party hat higher up on his head, "Then good day to you!"

Without warning, the old man raised his hands and muttered a string of strange words. Purple energy flowed from his palms and swirled around Arthur, Bedivere, and their servants, and in a flash they were gone!

**To Be Continued…**

Wait? That was it? There was hardly anything in this chapter! What's wrong with y-

*Suddenly, the new narrator was attacked by a swarm of killer bees*

Killer bees? What are you talking about? Bees don't just randomly swarm peop- OW! HEY, STOP THAT! OW! STOP! MAKE IT STOP! GAAAAHHH!!!

*We are experiencing some technical difficulties. Please stand by, and forgive us for the inconvenience.*


	13. Chapter 13: The Revenants Who Say Ni!

**Author's Note: **Surprise! Another double chapter! Enjoy! ^_^

**Chapter 12:**

**The Revenants Who Say Ni**

One moment, King Arthur, Sir Bedivere, and their servants were standing in the house of the Crazed-Yet-Wise Old Man. The next, they were standing deep within the Wilderness, surrounded by a wood of dangerous, and gnarled old trees. Although greatly alarmed, they managed to keep enough of their wits about them to know that their only chance now was to make their way south as quickly as possible. They began to do so, but as they rode, the four soon realized that they were being followed. Ghostly shadows of strange, horrible creatures could be seen stalking them from their peripheral vision. Arthur prepared to stop and challenge the creatures when at last they came into a clearing.

Immediately, they wished that they had not.

Standing before them were several ghostly apparitions of a number of creatures. Some were orc, some were vampire, yet all of them bore the same hungry, bloodthirsty look.

"Revenants!" Arthur and Bedivere gasped in horror.

Then one of the revenants, the ghost of what was once a giant of a man dressed in knight armor with a thick fur cloak and a wide-horned helmet, stepped forward.

"NI!" the specter croaked in a hollow, other-worldly voice which somehow also sounded annoyingly high-pitched and slightly whiny.

Soon the other revenants began to echo the chant, growing more loud and more persistent with each repetition of that single word. "Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!"

"No! No! No!" Arthur called out as he and his companions fell to their knees while covering their ears.

"Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!"

The lead revenant then raised his hand and the horrible chant suddenly ceased.

The King and his followers continued to lie prone on the ground, gasping for breath.

"W-what was that?" Bedivere asked.

"T-that," Arthur panted in reply, "Was the true power of the revenant spirits of the Wilderness. Not the ability to attack from all sides of the combat triangle, not the power to cast Tele-blocks and poison people, or heal themselves. It is the power to grasp at one's soul and drive a single meaningless word into your mind: Ni! Ni! Ni! Until it drives you utterly mad!"

"Ni?"

"Its an awful, forbidden word, invented by evil sorcerers who follow Zamorak. If spoken in the correct manner, even a mortal can use it to destroy an opponent's mind."

"What an awful power!"

"Yes, so awful in fact, that even Zamorak forbid its use in the God Wars; and even nowadays use of the word even by Zamorakians against Saradominists or Zarosians is punishable by death except in extreme circumstances. However…"

"However?"

"However, I've never known even a revenant's use of Ni to be as potent as this…Unless…"

Arthur gasped, then looked up and demanded, "How are you?"

"We are the Revenants Who Say Ni!" the Revenant Knight proclaimed.

"Oh, no!" Arthur gasped in horror, "Not the Revenants Who Say Ni!"

"The same!" the phantom assured.

"Who…?" Bedivere wondered aloud.

"In life," the revenant explained, "We were made guardians of the terrible power of the word Ni! Now in death, we have been forever cursed for our excessive use of the word during the great war. Now all who we meet must be slain by us with the power of Ni!"

"But, sir!" pleaded Arthur, "We are but humble travelers who are on a journey to…"

Once more, the terrible spirits began to bark out their horrific chant until the four mortals were paralyzed by the cursed, soul-sucking word.

"We will say Ni again to you, if you do not appease us." The Revenant Knight declared. "And as I was about to say before you so rudely interrupted, we are feeling generous today, so we shall release you. However, first must pass a test."

"What sort of test?"

"The Revenants Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!"

"Oh, Ghosts of Ni, what is it that you want?"

"We want…," the ghost paused dramatically. "A shrubbery!"

Arthur, Bedivere, and their servants stared in utter confusion for several moments at this declaration.

"A- a what?"

"Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!"

Once more, the four travelers began to writhe in agony upon hearing the vile words. Then at last it stopped.

"Bring us the shrubbery," the revenant said with all of his spectral ominous…ness? Is that even a word? *shrugs* Oh, well. Anyway.

"Or you will never pass through this wood, alive!" the Revenant finished.

"Oh, Revenants of Ni!" Arthur groveled in fear. "We will find you a shrubbery."

"One that looks nice," the phantom interjected.

"Yes."

"And not too expensive."

"Of course."

"Now…Go!"

**To Be Continued…**


	14. Chapter 14: The Tale of Sir Lancelot

**Chapter 14:**

**The Tale of Sir Lancelot**

Deep within the swamps of the forbidden land of Morytania, there are two great castles. One, which lies in southern reaches, is the Castle Drakan: a most unholy place inhabited by the vampires who rule over Morytani. To the north was a castle which now lies abandoned and in ruins, inhabited only by a headless ghost gardener, a cursed composite undead, and a mad scientist. Now it is called Castle Fenkenstrain, and it too is a place of evil. But once it was known as Swamp Castle, and was one of the last shelters of humanity in the cursed vampiric lair that had once been called Hallowvale. This is what happened to it:

Within the tallest tower of Swamp Castle was the room of Prince Herbert, son of Rologarth, and it was on that fateful day that Prince Herbert was to be married…

"Look out the window lad!" King Rologarth of Swamp Castle declared, sweeping his arm about grandly, "Some day, all of this will be yours!"

"What? The curtains?" asked Prince Herbert in confusion.

"No, not the curtains! Everything you can see! The Haunted Woods, the swampy wasteland, all of it!"

"Cool, Dad! That's soooo totally evil!"

His father chuckled proudly.

"But, um," the Prince said uncertainly, "I don't really want all that."

"You don't want it!?" the king roared, "Why the bloody hell not!?!?"

"Well, its just that, rather than be King, I'd much rather…,"

"Rather what?"

At that, Prince Herbert grabbed an axe-style guitar decorated with skulls, plugged it into the amps, began to play and answered his father with a shout, "I'd rather ROCK! Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! I'd rather ROCK!"

Then, unfortunately, he began to sing as he played, "Goth Rock! YEAH! GOTH ROCK! LET'S GO! GOTH ROCK! EVIL! EVIL! EVIL! WEARIN' LOTSA BLACK! MY NAME'S HERBERT, BUT I'D RATHER BE CALLED LUCIFER! WHOAH! GOTH ROCK! GOTH ROCK! WHOAH! WHOAH! WHOAH!"

Suddenly the music stopped as suddenly as it had begun, thanks to King Rologarth and his skill with the battle axe. That poor amp system never stood a chance.

"Cut that out, cut that out!!" Rologarth bellowed. You won't be playin' that devil music…err, Zamorak music, no wait, we worship Zamorak….hmm, Ah! You won't be playin' that Zaros music around here, not while I'm King!"

After taking a moment to calm down, the King then said, "Look, lad. I built this place up from nothin'. All the other kings said it was daft to build a castle in a vampire-infested swamp, and only a complete noob would try it. But I did all the same! Just to show 'em!

"It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. That one sank back into the swamp. So I built a third one. That one laid siege to by vampires and werewolves until we all nearly died of starvation and thirst, burned down, fell over, and then sank into the swamp, BUT the fourth one STAYED UP! And that's just what you're goin' to get lad: The strongest castle in Gielnor!"

"Yeah, but," Herbert whined, "I don't like heeeer."

"Don't like her!?" the King bellowed, "What's wrong with her!? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got HUGE b-, er, tracks of land!"

"True," Herbert agreed, "Plus she's a vampire, and Lord Drakan's daughter- which is ultra evil and all- but, I don't want Vanescula to marry me, or turn me into a vampire! As awesome and evil as being a vampire is, she's always so abusive to me! I couldn't take that for eternity, even if she is a fellow goth!"

Enraged, the King grabbed his son by his black robes and shook him fiercely. "Look here now Alex…,"

"Herbert," the Prince corrected, "Though I'd rather be called Lucifer."

"Yes, Herbert, sorry. Now shut up. Look here now Herbert, we live on the edge of a bloody swamp filled with bloody vampires…

Herbert giggled at the unintended pun but was roughly shaken again for it.

"…Plus there's that awful blood tithe every month! We need all the land that we can get! Your marryin' Lady Vanescula, so you better get used to the idea!"

With that, the King smacked Herbert and stormed out the door.

Herbert continued to lie on the ground for a moment before picking himself back up. Upon doing so, he picked up his guitar and began to sing a sad song that he had once written about how horrible his life is.

"My life is really sucky, in fact its…"

"AND NO SINGIN'!!" the King bellowed, storming back into the room. Then he turned and left again.

Herbert sat about feeling sorry for himself for several moments before spotting the a possible source of salvation: Hanging upon one of the walls of his room was a bow and a quiver of arrows which his father had once given him as a present, but he had refused to use them until he had gotten a much more evil weapon, like a Dark Bow. Turning towards his desk, the thin, pasty-skinned prince grabbed a sheet of parchment and swiftly scribbled out a message. Before continuing on with his plan though, he turned to sneak a peek to make sure that the guards that his father had posted in his room weren't suspicious of what he was doing.

He needn't have bothered, though. Both were nothing but skeletons, due to the fact that the King of Swamp Castle was a cheap jerk who only paid one fourth of his guards, and only fed every other one.

In what he imagined to be a stealthy manner, the Prince "snuck up" to his bow, "casually" tied his message onto an arrow with a bright red bow, "cautiously" went to the window with his bow and arrow/message, and swiftly fired the arrow in a random direction, turned, hid the bow behind his back and whistled innocently. The guards never suspected a thing.

Elsewhere…

"Buwhahahahahahaha!! Come along, Concord!" Sir Lancelot called back to his servant as he sliced off another vampire's head.

The two lone humans had been wandering lost through Morytania when they had suddenly found themselves in the middle of the Haunted Woods, surrounded by legions of blood-thirsty vampires and leeches. So it had began that Lancelot would prance about like a mad man killing everything that came within sword reach, while Concord would follow in the wake of destruction and bang his coconuts together so that it sounded as if Lancelot was mounted. The point of this was not really known by either one of them, but Lancelot though it seemed cool, so they kept on with it. Until…

_Thunk_

"Message for you sir," Concord stated as he keeled over backwards with an arrow in his chest.

"Concord!" Lancelot yelled, killing a final vampire before grabbing his servant, cook, and emergency food supply, er, I mean very close friend and fleeing out of the Haunted Woods. Once they were safely out of the cursed forest Lancelot began to examine Concord's body. Upon discovering that there was a scroll wrapped around the arrow, the knight carefully removed the fatal message and began to read.

"'_To whoever brave knight finds this: I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry a vampire against my will for the gaining of land and to be free of the Drakans' blood tithe. I am currently being held in the tall tower of Swamp Castle. Please, please, please, please come rescue me!'_ At last! A call, a plea for help! Perhaps this is the heroic errand that shall lead me to the Holy Grail! Brave, sweet Concord! You shall not have died in vain!"

Suddenly, Concord sat up, inexplicably okay despite the fact that there was an arrow sticking directly out of his chest cavity.

"Um, I'm not quite dead, sir," the undamaged servant said.

Lancelot stopped, stared for a moment, and then began to think of something else heroic to say that would better fit the situation.

"Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain."

"In fact, I think I'm getting better!" Concord said, further bursting his master's bubble.

"Oh, I see…,"

"In fact, I think I'm feeling well enough that I can go with you!"

"No, no, sweet Concord!" Lancelot exclaimed dramatically. "Stay here and rest, while I go on a daring and heroic rescue for my own glory and to fulfill my personal…um…,"

"Idiom, sir?" the servant replied.

"Idiom! Yes, thank you."

"Not, it's alright sir, I'm quite fine."

"Farewell, sweet Concord!" Lancelot declared and dashed off.

Then the vampires began to crawl out of the woods.

"Oh, bugger."

**To Be Continued…**


End file.
